I’ve learned a few things over the years I’ve been in ministry. I’ve learned how to interact with difficult people, how to plan for huge events, how to raise support for new endeavors, and how to neglect my family. Yeah, you weren’t expecting that last one.
At the last church I was employed at, I was one of two full time staff members. This meant that an extremely heavy load was placed on me. Being young and naïve, I figured, if I’m doing work for the church, then I’m doing work for God, so it must be good. Long days and even longer nights left my wife and at that time recently born child home alone until the early hours of the morning many nights. All in the name of ministry.
Since I’ve been out of full time ministry, I’ve learned a few things.
THERE’S NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR FAMILY!!!!!!!!
There are two ways that the Bible often describes God (this is not an all-inclusive list, just two of the descriptive terms): Father, and bride-groom (or husband for those that don’t call it that). If we are striving to be more like God/Jesus, we should be striving to be better spouses and parents. Especially as ministers, we tend to put our churches needs above the needs of those that matter the most in our lives. The people that sacrifice more than any of our team members are the people that we share our home with. As we are out there, giving our all for the cause, they are left alone wishing mommy or daddy was around more, or that husband or wife would spend a little more time with them than at the church.
Am I saying that ministry is bad? Of course not! However, like with all things that are in scripture, you must have balance in your life. There’s a time to do work, and there’s a time to just say no. My biggest problem was that I was intimidated by those two little letters. NO. Try it. Say it out loud a few times. Nothing catastrophic just happened, did it? Nope. Because, it is ok to say no sometimes. You don’t have to do everything. You shouldn’t do everything. Don’t do everything.
The last thing you want to do at the end of your time in ministry is regret neglecting your family. That will haunt you way more than the potential people you could have reached had you just put in a few more hours at the office. Take it from me. This is one mistake you cannot afford to make. I am lucky that I have a wife who put up with me. Now I just have to keep myself in check so that I don’t ever have to make her put up with me again.
Put the first things first. Be that good spouse. Be a fantastic parent. Your family deserves it, and God will honor it.
I’d love to hear what practical steps you take to make room for your family throughout your week Jesse! Any advice?
While I agree that family time is important, I have to respectfully disagree with the overall message of this post. First off, how does one reconcile the main message of this post with the words of Jesus Himself in both Luke 8:21–“And he was told, ‘Your mother and your brothers are standing outside, desiring to see you.’ But he answered them, ‘My mother and my brothers are those who hear the word of God and do it.'” (ESV) and in Luke 14:26–“If you want to be my disciple, you must hate everyone else by comparison–your father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters–yes, even your own life. Otherwise, you cannot be my disciple.” (NLT)?
Also, to me this post seems to say that having a healthy family life and pouring yourself into God’s work are mutually exclusive, and I can say, having witnessed families–both fathers *and* mothers–who poured themselves into God’s work, that these things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, I’ve seen children of those couples begin budding into passionate ministers and leaders of the gospel, a lot of which they attest to seeing their own parents’ love and zeal for God and their heart for the wayward. Admittedly things like the culture of a particular church, the staff infrastructure, etc., are hugely important factors that cannot be ignored, but I don’t believe this idea that “Nothing is more important than family!” can nor should be promoted as some blanket statement. I’m sorry for the lengthy post, brother, but I just feel very passionately about this topic.
Ryan,
First of all, sorry it has taken so long to respond. I didn’t realize there was a question. Something that my wife and I do is intentionally take 15 minutes to have real conversation. We turn off our electronics, and we talk. It’s very easy to get so busy in your routines that you ignore your spouse. The other thing that we do is not participate in everything. There are only so many church events that we can make it to. We have prioritized our family above feeling the need to attend every men’s meeting, women’s bible study, or kids church field trip.
Dustin,
Where I understand your comment, I think you are missing the point of this whole blog. I used to feel the exact same way as you. I worked for a pastor with no boundaries, and I was basically on call 24/7. I would spend my vacation time (if I actually took some) on the phone with my team making sure everything was running smoothly. I completely neglected my family for the sake of “ministry.” So I stand by my comment, there is NOTHING more important than family. If you can tell me that you would leave your wife and kids to fend for themselves and basically be without a father in the home, all for the sake of ministry, I would tell you that your priorities are not in order. Your wife (or husband) and children need to know that they come first, and that you will tell your pastor “no” in order to prioritize them in your life. I still fall short when it comes to this. I am wired to want to please others before tending to my family’s needs. But that is WRONG! I hate myself when I realize that I am that way. When my daughter tells me that I’m not home enough, it breaks my heart. When I miss key moments in my newborn son’s development because I was busy at a church function, I am missing out on the greatest blessing in my life. And when my wife feels like I have a mistress called “the church,” I am guilty of giving my heart to people that I never made those kind of vows to. I don’t know if you are married, or if you have kids, but if you are, please take a moment to evaluate the importance of those commitments to your family. They far out weigh any church obligations you may have. Just because it is work for the church, doesn’t mean it is work for God. Keep first things first.
Hmm…Brother, I don’t know if you can say you felt the exact same way as me, because as I read your former situation I can indeed imagine the scenario and sympathize. But I feel that what you say about neglecting your family vs NOTHING being more important than family are two different ideas. I feel that the message you’re trying to get across is “DON’T NEGLECT YOUR FAMILY!” to which I would absolutely agree! Referring again back to Luke 14:26 above, Jesus said that our love for Him/God should make our love for family and others look like hate in comparison, but of course that doesn’t mean that He’s saying we should hate and ignore our families! What a contradiction to one of the ten commandments and the exhortations by Apostle Paul!
However, is family the MOST important thing in life–is our ultimate calling to be great husbands and great fathers and nothing more? Now that kind of statement I would take issue with, because it doesn’t reconcile with the verses I mentioned above. Reading again through this post and what you wrote above, I have a feeling we see more eye to eye than we think, brother, but I think the wording in the post–family being the MOST important thing–is what had me disconcerted (I pay close attention to phrasing and wording). If it had been “Don’t neglect your family!”, then I probably would not have thought much more of it.
Let me know if I’m mistaken!
To Dustin…..In my town is a pastor who literally WILL NOT attend a grown
grandchild’s wedding shower, baby shower, birthday party, etc…. The reason
he, and his wife, who is also a pastor, is because there is always something
going on in the church and they “need to be there”. The grandchildren have
been known to beg their grandparents to be present at important events but
nothing comes before church duties! Imagine the bad taste that leaves in
the mouths of those young adults. I know this because my friend’s daughter
is the pastors grandsons fiance. This pastor is also known to be verbally
abusive……years ago when I attended another church in town I befriended
a woman who was new to the congregation. She was exiting the church in
which the above mentioned pastor was leading, along with his wife. The
woman’s husband had attended the church with her for years; the woman
couldn’t stay in that church any longer because of things she was seeing
and sensed God telling her to leave. She ended up at the church I was at.
Her husband would not leave the other church because he was being flattered
by the pastor and his wife and being made to feel like an “insider”. He was
choosing the church over his marriage and his wife. They both remained married
but going to two different churches. The abusive pastor who put church over
family, even his own family, was willing to watch a marriage potentially break
up (God miraculously kept them together); however, it is now 15 years later
and this woman has gone back to the abusive church in order to attend with
her husband. I went to a church service there two years ago only to see if
things had changed over the years. I saw the couple in question sitting
on the other side of the church. The pastor made a very insulting remark about
the man in question as he sat with his wife. This man actually laughed out;loud
at the remark not realizing that the pastor was enjoying the fact that he could
say anything and do anything and this man would remain in that abusive
church forever….as long as the pastor “threw him a bone” every once in a
while and made him feel important. This pastor also criticizes other area
churches during sermons. I could not attend there and would not encourage
anyone to attend. I wonder also why this woman went back there just to be
with her husband when God clearly told her to leave 15 years ago. There were
so many spiritually abusive things said in the pastors sermons on just one
Sunday, and here were people attending faithfully, some for over a decade.
Yes fellowship and church is important but when it continually comes before
family, it is not of God, I promise you.
I agree that we shouldn’t neglect our families, but I disagree that NOTHING is more important. The only way to love our families better is to put God first. I believe that through this, he teaches us to love our families better too.
On the flip side, putting God first does NOT mean you have to put church activities first. I think people who are constantly focused on church activities are in danger of becoming permanent “Marthas” and not “Marys.” God is not please by our actions. He wants us to depend on Him and rely on Him first! It’s like the church of Corinth (I think?) who lost their first love! Our reliance on Him should fuel our love for our family as well as our serving the church.