Choosing to Love

We all know “those people.” They sit in our churches, serve in our teams, and either knowingly or unknowingly rub us totally the wrong way. They may be those in your team that have taken your place, those who fight you at every turn, or those at your church who know nothing about worship and give you advice about volume levels, song choices, players and anything they can think of. Sometimes they’re even your boss, the pastor for worship directors, or the worship leader for team members. They can even be you! Loving them is often the most difficult thing we will experience in ministry.

Fortunately Jesus didn’t leave us alone in these situations, but gave us plenty of wisdom we can pull from as we continue to lead. He commanded us clearly to love each other in John 13:35 and 15:12, and there are no workarounds. As He showed us by His life, love is not a feeling, but an action, and it is a choice. To get this at a deep, heart level, we need to understand what love is. 1. Corinthians 13 is still the most unbelievable description of love that exists in all human history:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

I recently made the first really clear choice to love. My 8-year-old son plays basketball at the local YMCA. At a game, the opposing team was super aggressive, hurting our kids in order to win. I was livid, the sideline raging parent, ready to go over and smack their coach, who happened to be really animated, focused, involved and excitable. We ended up playing against them just a few weeks later, but instead of turning on my rage mode (yep, that is a choice too), I walked to the coach, introduced myself, complemented his coaching and asked if he had any ideas for my son’s playing. Lo and behold, my anger melted and I ended up seeing the positive in him. I ended up realizing that he’s actually a great coach, who I’d love to coach my son!

Love is a higher calling that we’re not capable of on our own. Recognizing this will make it easier to trust God instead of our emotions when dealing with challenging people. When it comes to loving them, think through the following points. It will give you a framework and clear steps to follow to diffuse or manage tough situations.

1.     Prayer.

You have to deal with difficult situations in advance by thinking them through and praying for God’s help. Preparing in advance will spare you from the shock and allow you to choose love. You’ll also be able to let go much easier and avoid the debate only you will hear in your mind after the encounter. Don’t be blindsided by challenging people so that they determine your reaction, which is the only thing you can control. You must prepare to be able to speak the truth in love or hold your tongue and trust God to change the situation.

2.     Your Emotional Health.

Make sure that you are healthy enough to love others. If you have emotional baggage, you can’t see people and situations for who and what they are, and therefore can’t lead by love. Ask yourself how you need to change to love someone more. Get the log out of your own eye and always keep growing in love!

3.     Boundaries.

With emotional health come healthy boundaries. Don’t let others ram over you, and don’t block them out either. Don’t fear confronting those who are ready for it. There’s a difference between hurt and harm, and Proverbs 27:6 (NLT) says, “Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.” Without boundaries, challenging people will jump all over us or we will overreact and cause harm to them instead of loving them. We can’t lead by fear of conflict, instead, we must learn to manage conflict. Sometimes challenging people need lessons to keep growing, and God calls us to participate in them. Speak the truth in love when they are ready to hear it.

4.     Pray And Release.

If you don’t feel that the person is ready to receive the truth, pray for them and for yourself to have the patience to keep going forward even with their attitudes and actions while loving them anyway. Trust God to tell you when the time is right and that your message will be loving. Speak the truth in love when the person is capable of handling it. Otherwise pray for them.

5.     Engage.

Our pastor recently said that unconditional love always makes the first move. Do you need to get to know the person better? Often our lack of love for people stems from not knowing them. We have no idea what they have gone through to become who they are and what they are still struggling with. Nothing melts resistance and strife like caring for others.

6.     Learn.

Even if they rubbed you the wrong way, is there some truth to what they’re saying? Nobody ever asked God for humility in the Bible. Instead, God tells us to humble ourselves before Him 1. Peter 5:6 and promises to lift us up at the right time. Few things are more humbling than learning from challenging people.

7.     Serve.

Is there a way you can set that person up for success? What is in your power to change or do to act in love? There is no better way to learn to love a challenging person than to serve them when they are open to it. Give it a shot and you won’t regret it!

People who are hard to love are often in need of love themselves. They have been hurt in the past or have resorted to thinking that they know things better than those that are in authority over them or are in the same team with them. The most loving thing we can do is to be patient and help them where they’re at. We must pray for them and ask God to show us their real needs. Then we must pick the right time to give suggestions, and it’s usually much later than you’d like! We can’t control them, we can only love them.

The bottom line is that God has deliberately placed the challenging people in our lives. They are there to help us become more like Him. At the end of the day, learning to love challenging people is for our benefit. It will save us from a lot of frustration, anger, disappointment and discouragement. It’s a tall order, but we’re called to love everyone. As you lead God’s people, remember the trust God has placed in you by raising you up. Grow through the challenges and let love be your highest goal (1. Cor. 14:1, NLT). Get to know those you lead and serve, and you’ll find your love for them growing exponentially.

We all have experienced having to love challenging people. Take a moment and share your experiences confidentially in the below comments, you may help someone immensely!